I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
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I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping