I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
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My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
My favorite female superhero
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’