One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
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My guardian angel deserves a raise
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.