@donnie_fairburn One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
@FlyJ_ I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
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@donnie_fairburn 
@coolandbreezey My guardian angel deserves a raise
@SCbchbum If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
@MisterD78UK “you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
@WilliamAder “I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
@_SetTheHook_ PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
@lloydrang Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
@LyleRath In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
@HeatherQ_ebooks a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
@iMikosnyc It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.