I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
You Might Also Like
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’