I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

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[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen


doctor: i have your blood test here

me: and?

doctor: you failed


Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too


date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist


I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.


So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.


Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*


My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.


“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*