I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
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Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Still a very good boi….
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I need better friends
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here