I went from rags to one rag.
You Might Also Like
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Okey dokey.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.