I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
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I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about