I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
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Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Me as a therapist: omg same
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.