I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
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Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
This cat wants you to take your pills
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Bike for sale
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.