I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
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*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
a badder mouse