I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
You Might Also Like
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.