I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
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Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.