I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
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This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Salad is the decaf of food.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I WON A HAM TODAY
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.