I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
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Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.