I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?