I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
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Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!