I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
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*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we鈥檙e landing in a volcano
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
It鈥檚 called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for 拢3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 馃槵
Host: What now? 馃え
Me *bids farewell*
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I鈥檓 at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You鈥檙e damn right there鈥檚 a problem!
Apparently they don鈥檛 want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Being a parent isn鈥檛 just a job it鈥檚 a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that鈥檚 actively trying to kill you.