I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
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Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
accurate
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”