I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
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BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
BOSS: We need to improve morale
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
therapist: what do you see
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.
[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir