I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
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My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.