Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.

-me, flirting

Me if I was a dog

Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.