I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
You Might Also Like
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.