I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
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Twitter is an abusement park.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit