I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
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I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
When you’re Kinky but poor
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.