I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
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Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!