I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
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Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
mentally somewhere in italy