I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
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Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!