I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
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[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one