Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

[first day working as a librarian]

ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

All I’m saying is that big burgers should be fucking wider not taller

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

quarantine day 3

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬

It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.