I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
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bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Midwest trash talk
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Where’s my employee discount too?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.