I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
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Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Waiting for the Charmin
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ