I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
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[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Every. Damn. Time.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa