I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
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Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment