Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.

He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.