i will avenge u mr van gogh
You Might Also Like
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
having children is a pyramid scheme.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
accurate
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.