i will avenge u mr van gogh
You Might Also Like
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come