I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
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Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
choose your gary
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys