I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
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Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
figuring out my emotional availability:
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.