“I will cook for you.” I threatened
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He’s cranky this morning
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
But wait…