I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
You Might Also Like
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”