i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
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It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!