I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
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4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
wtf is an acronym
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I wish I could veto my bills.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Saw online –
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,