I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
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My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around