I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
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[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf