“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
You Might Also Like
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.