If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
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When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌
:-for the notifications to go away✅
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.