@JohnLyonTweets

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

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@Marcmywords2

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

@causticbob

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

@lianamaeby

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

@SondraDeeMe

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

@PUNjipati

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

@maryfairybobrry

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

@ArfMeasures

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

@Skoog

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

@girlontapas

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.