“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
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“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
If only