I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
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Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
All excellent questions
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.