I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
You Might Also Like
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
back to work
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”