Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

subtitles are so good nowadays

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

Friend without kids: I’m so tired.

Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

The glory of fall.

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.