I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
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shit just got real
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.