I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
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It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
is this meant to deter me